My Children (December, 2014)
Quite often these days I find myself thinking of the future, with fear in my heart I worry about money, I worry about the pain Iíve caused others; about the people I feel I love. Love is such a funny word to me these days; as over the past five years I thought I found pure love twice.. I was married, and it quickly faded.. I fell for love again and once again it faded.. Yet as a result of my attempt for finding love the world bore me wonderful children.. and I donít have to try to love them; I donít have to hope for love; it just exists.
Obviously the love I tried to hold was a different type of love than what I have. My older son is three and a half, when I visit him he rushes out to see me, he looks at me and smiles, and he actually cares that Iím there for him. Everywhere we go he wants me to carry him, he hugs me and looks at me without any lies or doubt at all in his eyes. Itís an amazing thing for someone to actually want you, or to even care that you exist.. Itís hard for me to understand why he cares, in many ways Iíve wronged him,. I canít get out to see him as much as he may like, as I live quite far away.. It seems that there are so many rules I need to live by, things which if I didnít follow I would feel that Iíve wasted my time.. but my children fit in there very well.
I feel as if Iím standing on the edge, waiting to jump, looking down at the world of happy people rushing by; never knowing that Iím even there. To my older son, when Iím with him, itís like heís there, looking up at me and smiling, waving and filled with happiness.. and all of the rest of the world is still rushing by. And it doesnít matter; because as a father, I know that somehow life will be ok; because I can see my little boy run and play, I can be there to pick him up if he falls. Heís growing smarter and older all the time; every word he says, every step he takes, seems like a small miracle to me. And I have more children, younger, but still growing; still waking up and someday I will find out who they are as well.
I think that Iím a good parent.. because Iím proud of my children, I pay my child support because I know it builds something good for their lives, and because even writing these words I feel on the verge of tears.. My heart beats still, it wonít stop beating because my life is richer for having children.
In seven days from now my daughter will be born, her mother decided long ago that she didnít want me in her life, decided that she hates me, decided her life would be better without me. Until my daughter is old enough to travel out with me, I may never see her.. but I still love her. I hope sheíll look up to me some day and smile. I doubt it though. But I still hope.. and if not, then I know Iíll still love her.. because my heart beats right now because of my children. Ethan, Hunter, and my unnamed beautiful little girl.
Through it all though, Iíve forgiven myself.. for all the wrong Iíve done.. as I feel that only in forgiving myself can I rest and slowly as time moves on, I will rebuild who I am. I wonít be much of a person for anyone though if I sit and wallow in my self pity.. some day I will be free; and my children will understand.. no matter the lies or misunderstanding their mothers tell them, I will show them honesty and I will show them how much I love them; as this love is pure.. itís what I was searching for all along.
Only in our deepest pain can we truly love.. only when weíve shed a lifetimes worth of tears can we truly smile.. only when we feel like we want to die, can we truly live.